I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
