it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
