garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
