There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
