My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
