i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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