her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
