OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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