I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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