if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
