I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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