Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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