I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
