I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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