I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
