Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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