I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
