remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
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