i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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