i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
