So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
