i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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