Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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