a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
