If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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