I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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