It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
