Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Is her dick bigger than yours?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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