u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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