I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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