I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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