there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
