I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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