the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
