in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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