Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
