Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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