Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
