My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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