Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
