just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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