Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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