He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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