i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
