Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
