woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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