Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
