Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
