I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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