70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
not ubering you a puppy
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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