she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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