I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
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