You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
