and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
