Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
