Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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